Saturday

This was a good evening. This was an awful evening.

For better or worse, there's not a lot to report on Isaac's condition from today. Things are slower on the PICU floor on weekends, and they seem content to let him coast for a couple days. They did turn down his oxygen level ever so slightly, and it appears he has handled that ok. Again, we think he's breathing a little slower today. We hope, we hope. And we continue to pray that he will make measurable improvement before Monday.

This evening Janel, Joshua, Jenna, and I were together as a foursome for the first time since Isaac has been hospitalized. We let Grandma Mary stay with Isaac so Janel could come back to Princeton for trick-or-treating. We had dinner together, put on the Lego and princess costumes, and braved the streets. It was difficult to face so many people in our seminary community. One the one hand, you don't want to make people feel bad who only know us well enough to know we had a baby and know nothing of Isaac's illness. On the other hand, pretending all is hunky-dory is also not an option. In the midst of this, it was great to watch the kids, to walk and talk and breath outside air. It was good for the four of us to be together.

At bedtime Jenna saw fit to push the boundaries a little. Nothing unexpected, but it did give Janel time to crawl up on Joshua's bunk (Joshua and Jenna share a room and sleep in a bunk bed) and read an extra book with him while I worked with Jenna. When Janel finished the book and was crawling down, she asked Joshua how he was doing with everything and how he felt about mommy being gone and Isaac being in the hospital. At first he didn't say much. Then he burst into tears and began asking when mommy could stay home. "When will mommy get to stay for breakfast?" "I can't go to sleep unless mommy is going to stay home." He was nearly inconsolable for more than ten minutes. In the end, I crawled in bed next to Jenna to comfort her while Janel crawled in bed with Joshua to calm him.

The kids have been doing phenomenally over the past ten days (thanks in large part to Grandma Mary), and I'm not ready to say that they didn't do phenomenally tonight. I'm thrilled they were both able to express themselves in their own ways. What I don't know is how much more of this we can take. We are weary. We are running on empty, and each of us is carrying a burden that at times feels unbearable. How long, oh Lord? How long?

Janel's on her way back to the hospital now, and Mary will drive herself back to our apartment (given the reality of driving in New Jersey, that's a prayer request). The kids will wake up again tomorrow without Janel here. I will sleep alone tonight. Janel will sleep in a hospital room. Again.

God have mercy. God have mercy. God have mercy.